Well we have terrilbe jokes..we might as well have some good stuff as well...

THE ORIGINAL HOLLYWOOD SQUARES!!
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted
and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more! than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing-old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde:Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. You've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or an elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh !!

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I remember some of those from the re-runs... The origional Hollywood Squares were the best!

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Great, he's probably saying, "Holy sh!t, it's Maverick and Goose."

Never seen Hollywood Squares but I know the concept through an appalling Brit version in the 70's called 'Celebrity Squares'. However I know who Paul Lynde is..(the voice of the Hooded Claw from 'The Perils Of Penelope Pitstop') and when I read his replies in my head I hear his voice...I love the one about Goosing the dog!

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A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."

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Great, he's probably saying, "Holy sh!t, it's Maverick and Goose."

I'm sorry for the double post but, I had to share these before I lost them. I thought they were pretty good seeing as how we sometimes have computer problems on the boards.



If computer errors were written as haikus Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

The file you need
might be very useful.
But now it is gone

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, reboot.
Order shall return.

Wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
Segmentation fault.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
File not found.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

No keyboard present.
Press F1 to continue.
Zen engineering.

This site has moved.
We'd tell you where, but then
we'd have to delete you.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

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Great, he's probably saying, "Holy sh!t, it's Maverick and Goose."

There's a British 'Punk Poet' who's been around since the late 70's called John Cooper Clarke ("The Bard of Salford").

This is him...

He does a lot of gags between his poems nowadays and a selection of some of his stuff is reproduced below..
I'm afraid those of you unfamiliar with English dialectics will not be able to appreciate how much JCC's Mancunian, nasal, droleness complements his act so much..


A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is interviewing asks “Can you fry eggs?”. “Can I fry eggs! I've worked in some of the top hotels in England“ replies the bloke... “Give me half a dozen”. So he's given six eggs which he starts to juggle with.
After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one-by-one over his shoulder towards the frying pan which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan. “That's amazing” says the interviewer “but it must have been a fluke”. “A fluke! Give me a dozen“ says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale so there's now eighteen unbroken eggs sizzling in the frying pan.

“Well then do I get the job?”
“No, you piss about too much!!”

I played a gig in Cardiff last week and had a run in with the Welsh Mafia; They made me an offer I couldn't understand...

Elton John's tribute song to Mother Theresa... 'Sandals in the Bin.

A man was told his wife was sick, and that she either had AIDS or Alzheimers - they weren't sure which. He asked a friend if he could offer any advice... The friend suggested the following: “Take her to a remote part of the country, somewhere where she's never been before, and drop her off. If she finds her way home... don't f*ck her.”

I'm divorced now. We split the house. She got the inside

And as he is first and formost a poet here's an approprite poem of his for this forum. it's called

FILM EXTRA'S EXTRA


An x-film extra's extra
I exit when i'm ex'd
I get it in the neck
I get my check
But I don't get what comes next
I got my break in the 'frisco quake
Clarke Gable got the lead
They said 'Make like a piece of steak...
Lay on that plate and bleed'

Swine herds and hunch backs
Led to bigger things
I was Pontious Pilate's punch bag
You remember 'King of Kings'

Understudy studies scripts
And stunt men dice with doom
You found me in a gothic crypt
Or in some squalid room


Where Clint Eastwood kicks my teeth in
Several times a day
I'm the best dead body in the business
I don't have much to say


Except... aaahhh, ooohhh, ahh, ohh, uhh, ahh, uhhh
And ohh, ahh, nhhh, ahh ohh and thank you lord
What can you say on the end of a sword
You just run out of breath

I carried seven Ceasars
Around seven cities of gold
I was the one who didn't whip Jesus
In 'The Greatest Story Ever Told'

Fake snakes, mock crocs
And killers cut my throat
That's me in the pine box
I know all about boats

I was on the Titanic
I did what was required
And I was the first to panic
On 'The Day the Earth Caught Fire '

Hacksaw blades and hand grenades
Dum dum bullets and darts
When pagans raid the stockade
I get mangled by their carts

I fall from trains and torture dames
Just to keep in trim
I get slain on memory lane
And the people say 'oh it's him'

It was in this third rate thriller
I actually got to talk
Saying 'Look!... the killer gorillas,
They're eating up New York'

I ride this phony pony
In a place a bit like the world
In the eyes of adults only
I never get the girl

Tarantulas invade my bed
Ohh it's wonderful
I'm a talking head... full of lead
blublblublblublblublblub

I scream all the way to the chair
I scream in the face of tanks
I take the stairway to the stairs
And I scream all the way to the banks

Photogenic passion
Impales me on it's knife
Hero's made from fashion
But dying's a job for life

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Hilarious hilarity of hilarousness

A man scanned the guests at a party and saw an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"Is that a family name?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

"Well, it's a beautiful name."

"Thanks," she said. "What's your name?"

"Beertits," he replied.

No offense to blondes...

3 women are on a desert island, one brunette, one redhead and one blonde. One of the women, while searching for food comes across a magic lamp. She takes it back to the other 2 and they decide that each one should get one of the 3 wishes. As they'd been on the island for so long, the brunette and the redhead wish to go home to their husbands and they magically arrive at their houses. When the blond gets her turn she says, "I can't decide what I want and I'm lonely now that the other two have gone, I wish they were back here with me."

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You can't be late until you show up.

This may lose a little in translation....

Three couples are waiting to go into heaven and St Peter says to the first man "What right do you think you have to enter the Kingdom of heaven when your life was spent in pursuit alcohol? You were so obssessed by it you even married a girl called 'Brandy'..and they are banished to Hell.
The second couple approach St Peter and he says "What right do you think you have to enter the Kingdom of heaven when you spend your whole life in the pursuit of money and wealth. You even married a woman called 'Penny'..?
And they too are sent to Hell..
The third guy takes his wife's hand and turns back saying "Come on, Fanny..we haven't got a hope..."

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