Cross posted from my Live Journal:

So, I have the ability to determine whether a movie is any damn good or not, based solely on the trailers. Yes, I know it's a bit presumptuous to say that, but my track record's pretty good so far. With that in mind, here are my one-sentence reviews of movies which are on my radar.

Transformers - Disqualified, because I saw it.

The Bourne Ultimatum - Looks like an amazing action flick, but probably with little plot, which is just fine with me. Four stars if you like that kind of thing, two if you don't.

Hot Rod - Looks stupid. Also looks funny. Wait for cable.

Rush Hour 3 - God help me.

The Invasion - Looks like it was written by a committee. Bland title. Skip it.

The Last Legion - Will be good for its kind - that is, a relatively low budget swords-n-armor (excuse me, armour) flick. If you're in to Ye Olden Tymes, pick up the DVD at Target when it comes out (which might be around, oh, say, February).

Superbad - Hilarious. Seth Rogen is incredibly funny. Too bad the fat kid will always be known as "the fat kid from Superbad" in every movie he's ever in from now until Doomsday. It's a home viewer for sure, though, unless you have a pack of guys with which to see it in the theaters.

Mr. Bean's Holiday - Rowan Atkinson can do no wrong, but the Full Theater Experience is perhaps a bit overkill. Again, DVD.

Balls of Fury - Bad Dodge Ball ripoff. Lead actor looks like an moron (I guess Jack Black turned it down). Relies on belief that George Lopez doing a Scarface imitation is funny, which it isn't. Poorly edited trailer. Attempting to gain cred by casting Christopher Walken and James Hong. Stupid. Horrible. Avoid like plague.

Death Sentence - Standard vigilante flick that everyone will forget by Christmas - if they haven't already.

Halloween - Undoes all of the implied, off-the-screen horror that made the original great. C'mon, it's Rob Zombie. Nothing, but nothing, will be left to the imagination. Just watch the original again.

3:10 to Yuma - Outstanding Western. Unbelievable cast. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it looks very, very, very, very, very, very good.

The Brothers Solomon - I think we saw all the funniest jokes in the trailer, and the trailer wasn't funny.

Shoot 'Em Up - Unfettered violence, tempered with the visceral, dripping sex appeal of Clive Owen and Monica Belucci in the same room. Don't think too much, and you'll love it.

The Brave One - Jodie Foster in Death Wish Seventeen. I love me some Jodie Foster, but ever since Panic Room, all she's seemed to be in are darkly-lit thrillers, each with its own one-note angle. Where's the Jodie I saw in Nell, The Accused, and Anna and the King? Eh, maybe check this out when you flip past it on HBO. Also: See the entry for Death Sentence, above.

In the Valley of Elah - Horrible title. Sappy missing soldier drama. War scenes likely just a lure to get guys to agree to go see this movie.

Eastern Promises - Tough as nails and suitably creepy Viggo Mortensen as a Russian mob type. Scorchingly hot Naomi Watts as Chick In Peril. Probably great, but that's what I thought A History of Violence would be, too. I'd say 80% chance of awesome - which is worth the price of a ticket.

Mr. Wood**** - Shallow horndog sex humor. Below even me.

* * * And the upcoming ones * * *

(Deep breath) The Assassasination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (September 21st). Title says it all. I love Jesse James, but warning bells are going off: The "Lead actor cast only to sell tickets" alarm, the "Doesn't have a damn thing to do with the real story" alarm, and, of course, the "glacially-paced weepy three-hour melodrama masquerading as an action film" alarm. See at your own risk. I will.

Good Luck Chuck (September 21st). Stars Dane Cook. Dane Cook isn't funny. Ergo, won't be funny. See only if you have the steamin' panties for Jessica Alba.

Resident Evil: Extinction (September 21st). Skip it in the theaters. Watch it at home only if you are a) alone, and certain no one who thinks you have class or good taste will ever know, or b) under 21.

The Kingdom (September 28th). Great international intrigue. Will be certain to be picketed by some Arab-American rights group, which means it will be worth seeing. If you're the type to see movies alone, this is the one for you, because I'm sure the plot will require paying close attention. See it if you liked Syriana - which I did.

The Game Plan (September 28th). Stars the Rock. Not sure if it's a comedy or a drama. No one will care, either. The advantage to seeing this in theaters is that you'll likely have the whole place to yourself.

Run, Fat Boy, Run (September 28th). Stars Simon Pegg, whose hilarity is a given, but written by goofball David Schwimmer and VH1 idiot Michael Ian Black. Take your chances.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age (October 12th). As God is my witness, I will see this film as soon as humanly possible. No weak points. Samantha Morton as Mary, Queen of Scots, is inspired. Rapture.

Beowulf (November 16th). I want this to be good. I really, really do. But it just won't be. File under King Arthur, Troy, Alexander, and 300 as stinkers forged from legends. Of course, I'll see it anyway.

I Am Legend (December 14th). Will Smith as Tom Hanks in Swept Away. Eh, DVD, I guess.

National Treasure: The Book of Secrets (December 21). The first one asked us to believe that a vast cavern could exist beneath New York City, that National Archives desk jockeys look like Helen of Troy, and that the Declaration of Independence is occasionally left utterly unguarded. If you bought that, you probably enjoyed it, so just go ahead, turn off your brain again, and enjoy the sequel.

Sweeney Todd (December 21). A Tim Burton film about a British serial killer, with Depp, Rickman, and Bonham Carter. If you wear thick black eye liner, fantasize about death, or still listen to the Cure a lot, you must go see this movie.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (December 25). Ah, good Christmas viewing. Sequel to a stinker. Probably pretty bad, definitely very comic book-y.

Iron Man (May 2, next year). I don't care if there's a glut of superhero movies or not, this one looks fantastic.

* * *

Okay, there you have it. Have fun!

Can't believe they've remade Invasion of the Body Snatchers for , like, the third time!!
'Armour'..right an' all!
Absolutely! I have far too much respect for Carpenter's original and absolutely NO faith in Zombie's abilities as a film maker.



It was, they do, I didn't and I did.

Yeah..What with this, Panic Room, Flightplan and Inside Man..Jodie needs to re-evaluate her script choices.

My g/friend wants to see this. The trailer looks pretty much like lots of other zombie/apocalypse flicks..but we've sat through the other two so i guess we'll 'finish the trilogy'



I gather Simon Pegg kinda 're-wrote' the script coz originally it was set in New York. Pegg made it more 'British'



Yes. I think this will be very much a case of (CGI)style over content..which is a shame as I know you've been very keen to see this since it was announced it was in production
I think Will Smith is so completely wrong for this role...I have been keenly anticipating this but the more I hear about itt the more my enthusiasm wanes

And a musical, to boot!! I'm there! :

Doesn't it, just!! really looking forward to this!

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His Blackadder is brilliant comedy, I could rave about it all day. Mr Bean on the other hand, I'd rather have a root canal by way of my arse-hole than even watch the commercials for this movie. How that can be the same man is one of the great mystery's of life.
Well I don't do any of those things, but I am so there. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for this. The perfect Christmas movie murder, mayhem, and meatpies, oh yes and I don't even mind the fact it is a musical.
Oh no problem there, I turn my brain off alot watching movies, that is really the point sometimes, just to go and forget about 'stuff' and have a few hours in a fantasy world.

I try to avoid trailers at all costs, of course if I am at the theater I can't avoid them. But they generally have plot spoliers, if it is a movie I have been looking forward to alot I always try to go the first day, so I know as little as possible about what might transpire in the film. It is not too difficult to do, because I don't watch much tv and so I don't see many commercials for films.
As you pointed out on one of the films, sometimes they do show all of the good jokes/stuff in the trailier, I have fallen into that trap before. We will be at the theater and they will show a preview and I think "wow this looks good", but they gave us all that had to suck us into going to the film.

Great list there Aries, about the only movie I am jazzed about is Sweeny Todd.

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Now there's a tag line for the poster!

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D'oh! I just realized I said Tom Hanks in Swept Away, when of course I meant Tom Hanks in Cast Away. Oops.